Petal Stones

Do you remember? We took you to the hospital for your monthly check up as usual, except it wasn't quite as usual because it had been Bank Holiday on the Monday so we took you on the Tuesday instead, plus we had baby Charlotte with us and it was the first time you were showing off your new baby sister to the doctors and nurses at the hospital and she was wearing that little pink dress with matching frilly knickers. Do you remember? Okay, so it isn't the done thing for boys to remember their sister's matching frilly knickers, so let's just scrub that out and just agree that you were proud to show her off to everyone.

That was the hardest day for me. Trying to smile when I faced you for the first time after finding out that, yes, I had been right all along, it wasn't post-natal depression and you weren't just jealous of your baby sister. Only this time it had spread to your brain as well as the second relapse in your bone marrow and we were passed over to the symptom care team and kept away from the other parents. We didn't see many of those parents again and I suddenly realised what had happened to those other parents who went through the consultant's door never to be seen again.

We came home. Do you remember? Because I don't. I can't remember the journey home at all. Did we stop as usual at the burger van? I'm sure we must've done because we were trying our hardest to pretend that things were normal. Tea from polystyrene and still my bone china smile.

I remember getting home and not wanting to get out of the car. I wanted to drive you away to wellness. And then the breeze blew the trees and the blossom was falling and you said it looked like petal stones. And we got out of the car.